The Guru is Within
I met my Guru in September 2001. Up until then, I had been running scared; terrified of the vastness that I felt within. I felt as if I would be swallowed up into it, never to return if I stopped running. My Guru was the first person who ever told me that I was actually waking up and that every single person on this planet experienced that same existential fear, but I was just in touch with it. She assured me that it was a good thing, so I trusted her and continued to let go. During my time with her, I came to realize that I was actually creating the terror that I felt by running and holding on. I got to see that fear was simply arising and when I allowed it without tensing or pushing it away, it dissolved. Just like sorrow, anger and all emotions. I came to understand that it mattered what I did with my attention. If my attention was drawn into mind/emotions, I suffered; if I relaxed and allowed whatever was arising to simply be felt, there was freedom.
Yet, after eight years of being a part of my spiritual community and serving my Guru so intimately, there was still something missing; something felt wrong. I could sense that I was still being controlled by my longing. I kept reassuring myself that I didn’t need to give it any energy, as I had found the Guru and she was all I needed for my enlightenment. But it didn’t matter how much I let it go, this feeling persisted. It felt as if a force of energy was trying to come through and I could no longer suppress it. I had no choice but to surrender to it and let it guide me. My life was in complete turmoil. My Guru did not approve of my desire to leave her company, but even after all my years of devotion and surrender to her guidance it didn’t seem to matter what she thought anymore. I was being led by something far greater than what was familiar. I had to risk everything in order to let this force come through.
The year after I left was the most informative. My identity had become so wrapped up in being a devotee and spiritual person that my inquiry became clouded. The need to belong to the group and gain my Guru’s approval had become more important than my deepening. My Guru would always talk about how we are already Home. I thought I had realized this when I was in her company, but it wasn’t until I left that I could see how much I was putting a limit on where Home is. After leaving and moving across the country due to family circumstances, nothing felt familiar and all I kept asking myself was where is Home now? The sense of not belonging to a formalized spirituality was just a doorway into the feeling of not belonging period. I had no where left to go but into this deep loneliness that became louder than anything. My heart ached for a deeper connection. All I could do was get intimate with this feeling. The loneliness was my guide into the the intimacy that I had been longing for.
It was here in the darkness when I realized that the Guru is within.
I relate to your story very much. Thank you for sharing it. I admire your courage and ability to follow your heart. You are a wonderful example of someone who trusted their intuition.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, I first heard my guru’s voice on a cassette tape played at a satsang service in Detroit, Michigan. I was 15 years old. His voice, laced with a Punjabi accent, danced in my ears and resonated in my soul. I didn’t understand why I cried, but I wept when I first heard his voice.
The other devotees told me it was because, in a former life, I had been initiated, and that now I was close to going home.
A few months later, I asked the guru in a letter if I could be initiated early (you had to be 21 to get the magic mantra), but he refused saying, “the Lord never forsakes his sheep.”
So I waited (impatiently). I joined and left several other religions in the mean time, both eastern and western and some in between. And yet I still had such deep feelings for this man I had never even met. I wrote him love poems and drew his picture all the time. Of course, I was a teenager with much of the usual teenage angst, however it was more than that—there was abuse in my background, assaults, and addictions, so when my guru said, “this world is a world of suffering and our job was to get out of it as fast as possible,” I believed him. And when he said, “you are lost in a cycle of birth and death and all good and beautiful things in the world are there only to keep you ensnared in the wheel. “ I believed him. And when he said, “Don’t love your family members, they keep you tied down to the creation worst of all—be detached,” I believed him. When he said, “The master would destroy your life so that you would have no distractions and only be able to meditate,” I believed and feared him.
Years went by and I was finally initiated. And I repeated the mantra day and night—I practiced, “dying daily,” as the master called it. And there were times in meditation I felt as if I were a hair’s-breadth away from leaving my body for good. When I told other devotees about this they got excited and said, “Keep going…you’re close.”
And when, years later, these experiences intensified, I stopped. And I was filled with fear and guilt, like I was betraying the master. I began loving my wife and my children and felt like I was betraying my guru. I began awakening to the beauty of the world and music and felt like I was betraying my guru. I began to fear he would take away everything near and dear to me if I didn’t keep meditating—but meditation terrified me.
And there was also the devotion. For some unexplainable reason, I felt like I loved him, and the disciplines his religion taught me were/are still valuable…but the fear…the guilt…the intense feelings of confused disloyalty literally drove me to a therapist. And it took a year or so before I was cult-deprogrammed from that religion.
That was about 8 years ago and I can say, I am finally truly free of the guilt and fear, but it took a long time. Now I can rejoice in any religion I choose, I can chant with Krishna Das, sing old Catholic hymns from my childhood, or simply enjoy being with my family. My life has become a prayer and one long, beautiful meditation. The world is not something to long to leave—it is here to be loved and explored. My family is not here to keep me tied down; it is here to help me learn about love. The creation; this life I have, are all here to rejoice in and celebrate. Any religion that seeks to use fear or guilt as its hooks, is, to me, is not a true religion. God is love and wants me “happy, joyous, and free.”
So thank you for sharing and for the follow. Cheers to you on your happy, blessed journey.
Joseph Anthony
Hi Joseph,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your story! It is so wonderful to connect with others who have gone through such similar experiences and have come out on the other side - happier, wiser and devoted to the true Heart! I am so glad that you found peace. Thanks so much for following my blog!
Many blessings,
Jennifer